Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
