i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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