my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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