i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
