The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I forgot wine drunk hurts
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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