i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
