can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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