i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
