Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
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