I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
