ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
