So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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