Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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