Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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