Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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