I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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