My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
