I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
