So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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