Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
