Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
