i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
