remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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