i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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