Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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