Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
