I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
