Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
