I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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