he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
