Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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