i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
