I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Randomize
