I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
