apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
