I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
