Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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