i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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