Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
