Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Randomize
