So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
