Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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