24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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