Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
