alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
