I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
