i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
