operation have a gay friend backfired
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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