I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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