My Higher Power is John Stamos
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
