Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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