I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
